


//Dear Ben//

by orphan_account



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Additional Tags to Be Added, Angst, Author Benedict, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Infidelity, M/M, Major character death - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-20
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-05-27 22:52:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6303325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dear Ben<br/>It's been a year...</p><p>Love your Darling<br/>Tom</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. //You're intertwining your soul with somebody else//

**Author's Note:**

> DEAR READERS 
> 
> This is my second fic so I'm still quite new to the game. Writing is undeniably my passion and it would be far more fulfilling if I knew how others process and appreciate my art so comments and suggestions on the work are encouraged. And Kudos are amazing and it makes my heart smile when people leave kudos. It makes me aware of the fact that all my efforts aren't going to nothing. 
> 
> I also hope that you enjoy this and appreciate this piece of writing just as much as I do. 
> 
> Love your Darling  
> Izzy ☆

DEAR BENEDICT

03/04/2016

 

It’s been a year now. An entire year without you and I’ve somehow managed to get through it. I’ve had an endless string of sleepless nights and don’t get me started on all the tears I’ve shed. Okay, so it’s been a year and I promised myself that after a year I would stop writing these letters but I cannot. I had a fight with Chris today about me stopping. He thinks that it’s started to consume my life. He wants me to move on but I just cannot find it within myself to let you go. You were my best friend, lover and lifeline. He just doesn’t understand that. Any ways, I just wanted to say HI!

 

I love you

BYE DARLING 

 

 

 

01/05/2014

 

‘’What time are you getting home?’’ 

His back was turned towards me as ringlets of water slid down his back. 

‘’Midnight.’’

‘’So I shouldn’t bother waiting up’’

‘’No, but I will be here the entire morning. Just Chris wants me to go to New York with him for this campaign that he’s shooting’’

Then there was a silence that I had grown far too familiar with these past few months. I bit on my lip and tears that had been rolling since last night continued to slide down my cheeks. I shuffled out of bed and I placed my bare flesh against his own and my tears added to the ringlets of water that were sliding down his back. 

‘’You’re breaking my heart,’’ I whispered.

He pulled away and stared into my red rimmed eyes and leaned in for a kiss and I could not pull away because even though he had chewed me up and spat me out numerous amounts of times I still loved him and I would let him use my mind and body till his heart’s content.

He planted a kiss on my lips and pulled away with the words ‘’What makes you think you haven’t broken mine,’’ and he pulled away.  He sent me off to the shower with a kiss to my neck and a promise of breakfast. 

As I stood in the shower I thought back on how in love we were once upon a time. How the band that he had placed on my left finger those many years ago actually meant something. A symbol of love and hope and loyalty now I could take it off and keep it off for months on end with no sort of guilty. 

When I eventually came out the shower he was in front of his computer and I knew that there would be no further conversation. Once he was immersed in his writing there was no trying to argue or talk about anything. 

 

‘’Enjoy work. Tell your Chris, I said Hi’’

‘’I will,’’ and I was gone to the sound of his fingers bashing on black keyboards. 

 

Before I entered the building I outside  and sucked in a breath and a smile proceeded to make its way onto my face. My façade. And as the smile came on so did my ring. 

 

 

 NEW YORK 

Chris was a genius. He was passionate about his work and there was a fire that burned in his eyes every time he looked at me. The fire that Ben’s eyes use to hold and I guess that’s why I did it. I needed to feel wanted. My marriage was going to shit and I just did not have it in me to act like I still cared. So as I sat in his white sheets completely at his mercy. With myself writhing beneath him and my nails bruising the flesh on his back I felt no remorse. Benedict was doing the exact same thing. 

 

‘’Are you okay?’’ He always asked once we were finished with his blunt nails drawing patterns on my back and his lips would journey down my back tracing every single freckle on my shoulder.  I turned around and nodded and placed a kiss on his cheek. I huddled up in the sheets and imagined that I was in the arms of my husband and not the arms of a narcissistic asshole who I could never love.

 

 

 


	2. The Inevitable Defeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter.  
> Enjoy   
> Sorry for the delay

Dear Benedict   
30/04/2016

I haven't written in a long time but Chris and I just had a fight. He wants kids. Ha! I should have seen this coming. He brought you up and used that against me. I hate him. And I want you back but that won't happen. I'm sorry for writing this  
   
Your Darling  
Thomas William Hiddleston 

 

02/05/2014

I did not make it home first thing in the morning thanks to the fact that my flight was delayed but when I did eventually make it home it was barren of any noise. The silence was making that insistent ring in my ears more evident. 

But soon a cough and shattering of glass broke through the barrier of silence and before I knew it I was up the stairs and Ben was in my arms. His skin was pale but not like his  genetic mutation, this pale was sickly like one of a corpse. 

He was so frail and the sobs that proceeded to fall from his eyes shook that frail frame and his eyes held death and sorrow. I cried. And I prayed to God that what ever burden he was carrying would fall upon my shoulders. For his were weak and we're breaking beneath the weight. How I cursed myself for not seeing the pain in those eyes. I had become so selfish and heartless that I couldn't see the pain my lover was going through. 

"Ben, what's wrong?" I heard the words come forth from my lips. My voice was broken and small. 

"Nothing."

He pushed himself from my arms and walked to the bathroom where his body let go of the contents of his stomach which made his frame far more frail. 

And I was left to try and mend my own broken heart on the cold floor of our shared apartment.   
He spent hours in the bathroom and I spent hours outside the bathroom door and we mirrored each other. Two frail broken hearts.

"Tom,move I want to get out." He whispered after a while 

I bolted up and tried to straighten my shirt because for some odd reason I felt the need to look good for him.   
He liked his lips and I stood on my toes and my lips pressed against his. His breathe smelt of mouth wash and an undertone of vomit but I didn't want to pull away. 

He didn't seem to want to either because his arm gripped my waist and he was walking me to the bed but before anything happened he fell into a fit of coughs and the moment was over. 

He offered a cuddle but that was all he could do. And for the fist time in our relationship I was the big spoon. For he did not have the strength within him to hold me and I was willing to give the shred of strength I had to hold him. 

Because it did not matter what had happened or how to shit our relationship had gone  but I swore that I would be there for him through thick and thin and I keep my promises. 

This was his hard time his thick or thin and I would be there for him. 

For I knew that he would be there for me too no matter what.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry for the late chapter.   
> And it's really short and lacks the type of emotion I wanted it to have.   
> But I hope you all enjoy.   
> Next chapter will definitely be long and better written. 
> 
> Enjoy

01/05/2016

DEAR BENEDICT   
He came back.

LOVE YOUR DARLING   
Tom

06/05/2014

The papers were delivered about four days after the incident. They were in a mustard envelope and it held a sense of heavyness. I refused to belive that they were real so I shoved them in a drawer in my desk and carried on working. But unconsciously I would glance at that locked drawer and apart of me would kind of shrivel up and die.

For I knew no matter how hard I ignored that envelop the contents would not disappear. And for the first time after accepting that idea it finally dawned on me that the situation was real. Benedict wanted a divorce. So as I sat in my office the tears started. I was overcome with emotion. Anger,devastation,woe,frustration. 

My husband of 6 years was leaving me and that's  when I realised that my life, my accomplishments and efforts had all gone to naught for the man I loved was leaving me. 

I called. It rang and finally he answered.

"Benedict?" I whimpered.   
"What do you want Tom?"  
"You're leaving me?"

There was a  silence. One that I had grown to embrace and familiarise myself with. 

"Yes, Tom we're not happy. We haven't loved each other for a long time. I know that you're sleeping with Chris."

"I love you."

"I don't think the feeling is as mutual as it was 6 months ago." 

And the tears started all over again. And before I could say anything else the phone went silent. 

I was not aware of the fact that in our apartment Benedict laid in bed in tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> Your darling   
> IZZY ☆♡


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my loves. 
> 
> So sorry for the delay on my updates. I've been really busy with school and other things... 
> 
> Here is the 4th chapter hope you enjoy. I tried to elongate it as an apology for the late update.  
> P'S. This has not been beta'd there might be mistakes

Dear Benedict  
03/05/2016

My love.  
I don't know what's wrong with me. All the therapy and medication and yet I  still sit up in bed mourning your death.  
How sometimes I wish that I had gone into the ground with you. 

10/05/2014

I hadn't been home in four days. I instead spent my time between the office and gym and sometimes crying in the arms of my mother. 

He hadn't called or tried to see how I was and as the days went on I started resenting him. Benedict had caused me so much pain. 

I kept on thinking how he promised me on our wedding day "till death do us part." I had been fooled into thinking that the only thing that would take his love from me was death. Death had no reason any more to sneak into the dark of night and cling on that magnificent soul that Ben possessed and snatch it. 

For Ben, had accepted the role of death. He went into the darkness of night and with his pale, long fingers he snatched the remains of our all ready shattered souls. My mother said he did me a favour but not until a call came in around 4PM was I truly aware of how far this favour extended. 

Her name was Abigail, and she had a clipped voice which made her call sound like she just wanted to get it over and done with.

"Mr.Cumberbatch?"

"Not for long." I muttered. 

"Mr. Cumberbatch, I cannot get a hold of your husband. Actually I haven't been able to get a hold of him for the past four days. I need to know if he's okay. 

"Who are you? Why do you care?" 

I was panicked was this the woman who's  hands held my husbands heart after he took it from my own. A clearing of her throat brought me back to my senses. 

"I'm Dr.Abigail Hobbs. And I care because I am your husbands Oncologist. Well at least I have been for the past 8 months. He hasn't been coming to his chemotherapy sessions which with his condition he can't afford to miss. 

"What - what do you mean condition? "

"Your husband has stage 3 brain cancer. Please if you do get a hold of him tell him to call me. "

And just like that the call was over.  

I don't know how but I found myself at home.  Our home. 

With a pathetic cry I shouted his name. 

A shrill "Benedict," crawled its way out of my mouth and into meaningless space. So i shouted again and again till I rendered myself hoarse. 

"What!?What now,Tom?" 

 I finally saw Benedict emerge from the room looking just as worse off as me. He had lost weight and had black bags beneath his eyes which looked more like bruises on his pale skin. His pale, sickly skin. 

I bolted for him and collided into flesh and bone but thank the gods for he still held life in him to catch me. And in the arms of My Man I cried. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered into his shoulder. 

His voices seized to hold that gentle caress of passion that it usually had, but it did hold pain, sorrow and weakness. A trait that Benedict did not possess. 

"I don't know what you're talking about. "

"You're dying? "

"It's more of a 'I'm dying.' No question about it. Who told you? "

"Your doctor was concerned because you weren't answering your phone and failed to make it to Chemotherapy . So she called me. Yet again why didn't you tell me? "

"I wanted to spare you the pain and details. I know how deeply you love. You have already lost someone to this and it crushed you I didn't want to be the second one to do it to you. One was enough. "

"But-"

He quickly interrupted  
"No buts. I knew that you would put yourself into the grave because of this.  You would wallow in sorrow and grief for the rest of your life that you would cry yourself into the ground with me and I couldn't have that. You are young and smart and beautiful. At least I think so and so does, Chris."

"This is not about, Chris"

"Oh, but it is.  At first I was filled with rage when you started working together because I knew what type of a man Chris, was but then you started having an affair and I was livid till I realised something. -

He paused to breath in. 

"-My deepest fear was that when I finally said good bye to this world you would not find love and would cling onto this Idea of me for the rest of your life. I encouraged it because I had one thing checked on my list : Make sure Tom, will find love when I'm gone. "

"Why didn't you tell me. You made me believe that you no longer loved me."

"Quite the contrary, my love. I loved you so much that I didn't want you to know.  I know that it doesn't make sense but I realised that I was dying and leaving you behind. I didn't want to leave you. I needed to let you go slowly. You believed that I no longer loved you and we started drifting apart. I wanted that. Then came the divorce, an official declaration of my seizing to love you any more --"

He paused. He took a lot of them. These pauses. Bursts of contemplation. 

"-- I didn't want to leave you behind so I decided to let you go easily.  I knew that after the divorce you wouldn't want to see me. If you did I would go as far as a restraining order. Anything to force you to move on and once you did I would die knowing that I had not left you behind any more. I would rest in peace."

"I had a right to know. 'In sickness and in health' I meant those words. You are dying Ben, and I hate you for taking the precious days we could have shared away from me."

"I did it for you, Tom.  How can you not see that."

"You did it for yourself. So you could as you said rest in peace. I love you Ben. And yes I probably would wallow in sorrow and grief but I would find the strength to keep on. I am not weak stop seeing me as such." 

"Yes you are." 

I let out a frustrated yell. " I have made it this far by myself. Yes with your help occasionally but I took my father's beatings all throughout my childhood by myself. I managed to live through my grandmothers death without you. I am strong. Maybe not physically but mentally. I deserved to know."

I was standing now. Red in the face with white knuckles. "Sickness and in health. My love, I deserved to know. I could have shared the burden not physically but emotionally. I would have been there with you, you didn't have to struggle alone." 

"I was scared. I was scared for you."

"Bullshit, you were scared that I wouldn't be able to go through this a second time around and I would leave you. And you couldn't imagine losing me.  Not like that. You could bare the thought of  losing me in death but not whilst you still had air in your lungs and life in your cheeks. You couldn't bare it."

"---"

We went on fighting. Me yelling him crying. I needed to get it all off of my chest because I didn't know how long before he would be too gone for me to pour my heart out.

But then the fighting turned to love making.  He was still frail but his thrusts  did not fail nor falter. They were strong and sharp and his hold on me soothed my trembling. Soothed my tears. He let his seed coat my insides , and for a few  minutes I wished that I was a woman so that it would take root and leave me with proof that one day Benedict, had owned me completely. That he had owned me so fiercely that he managed to form life out of his love. 

Also for the first night in a week I went to bed in the arms of my husband.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed.  
> And I'm sure everyone is like how can your husband have stage 3 cancer and you don't notice well Tom is not very observant and that is all. 
> 
> Bye.

**Author's Note:**

> DEAR READERS 
> 
> Thank you for reading. Do come back for me. 
> 
> Love your Darling  
> Izzy☆


End file.
